Confessions Of A Turned-On Woman

Hunger Rumbling Within

Awakened from the depths of her core.
Shaking, vibrating, pulsing.                                                                        
Left for a yearning of wanting more.

More depth. More meaning. More love.

Contractions.                                                                                                           
Thick, heavy longing contractions.  

Remembering the feeling of ecstasy.                                                                            
Left with a longing desire.                                                                                     
The desire to feel, to succumb, to cross over.

To cross over into freedom,                                                                                       
Strength,                                                                                                           
Knowingness.

Embracing the feminine.                                                                          
Totally, completely feeding her what she requests.

Power builds.                                                                                             
Focus increases.
Life as she knows it has began.

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This is a poem I wrote in November after I had an orgasm-filled weekend.

Looking back only 6 months later, I feel like this poem was written by a different woman all together. I know I still have traces of her within (more than I’d like to admit I’m sure), yet there are parts of her that I admire and respect.

To the longing woman who wants more, needs more, I say this…

There will come a time when your insatiable appetite for love, intimacy, affection and external approval will pass.

I didn’t believe them when they told me I would eventually feel full, but it’s true. It’s happened. (To be fair, the entire cup isn’t brimming full (yet!) but it is getting there.)

I’m learning how to fill my own cup without looking to the external world to fill it for me. It’s slowly filling up, more and more each day, and the best thing about my lovely cup is that I’m the soul provider for its contents.

I do have more depth, more meaning and more love in my life but it didn’t come from where I thought it would. It’s coming from a place much more powerful.

It’s coming from me.

To the lady who is ready to embrace her strength and her internal feminine power, I say this…

Never give up hope and never succumb to living with your eyes closed when you can clearly see there’s more in store for you.

Let the blank stares pass through you. Let the comments roll of your back. Not everyone will get it and not everyone is supposed to.

This is your journey. Be proud of where you’ve come from, where you are and where you’re going.

A world of freedom awaits you and it’s worth it.

I’ve had a taste of it and now I want more.

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

I still remember the first time I was introduced to the phrase “Nice guys finish last”….

I was listening to the Green Day Nimrod album and obviously my mom had no idea what was on that album otherwise there’s no way in hell she would have let me keep it! haha 

Regardless of whether you’re a Green Day fan or not, I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase on many different occasions. Whether it’s in a movie or having a discussion with your friends, it’s definitely not a new idea. 

I used to dismiss this idea immediately when it would arise in conversation and I would always rebuttal and say something along the lines of, “That’s not true! Nice guys don’t finish last…I want to be with a nice guy and I know a ton of ladies who want to be with a nice guy too!”

Because who wants to say, “Yes! Sign me up for the asshole please!” or “Introduce me to the guy who’s going to tease me, ignore me and treat me like I’m fun to play with and that’s about it.”

Of course we don’t want to say that, but news flash ladies…Why do SO many of us end up with the assholes of the world while we leave the nice guys at the starting line?

After a conversation I recently had with a friend, my stance on whether nice guys finish last has changed.

I was sharing my usual argument and was adamant that nice guys don’t finish last…at least in the long run. But after a few days went by, I started to have a revelation.

It was true. “Nice Guys” finish last. At least in my current reality they do….

Here I had a friend who was an awesome guy and we were both attracted to each other.  He made it clear that he didn’t see us being in a relationship because we didn’t live in the same city, yet was open to having sexual play when I was visiting. 

I actually felt the opposite and this is surprising because I’m quite a sexual person and I like to explore my attractions.

He’s SUCH a nice guy and has a lot of qualities I value, but it’s these qualities that have actually kept me at a distance from him. 

I didn’t realize this before, but now it’s become very clear…

It’s easy for me to engage sexually with men who I don’t see as long term potential. Most of these guys are a lot of fun, give me a bit of a challenge, are assholes on occasion and leave me wanting more, yet not wanting enough to actually enter into a legit relationship with them. 

It’s easy because I know it’s not going to go anywhere. I’ve already disqualified them in my mind for one reason or another so they’re my “safe zone.” And even if I do start to fall for them, I know they’re not right for me because of whatever random reason I identified at the beginning. 

(NOTE: Sometimes this backfires and I’m drawn into the flames like a moth and before long, my life as I know it is burning up in flames. Ok, yes, I’m being dramatic but you get what I’m saying… It’s because I chose to ignore that random reason that disqualified them to begin with. Hmmm Maybe not so random of a reason after all. There’s something to be said about a “Woman’s Intuition”.)

“Nice Guys” on the other side are my danger zone. What if I actually found myself in a situation where I fell for someone who had future potential?!

F*%k! That’s scary as hell to me and it shouldn’t be. It should be the opposite - I should be tip-toeing around all of the random, semi-unstable men that I’m drawn, but instead I run to them with open arms and steer clear of the nice ones. 

This recent revelation has made it clear that I have commitment issues and that I’m afraid of being hurt. 

I’ve been hurt in the past and it burned a lot….The wounds are still healing and haven’t quite turned into scars yet. 

Now that I’m aware of this fear, I’m going to work on opening myself up again. 

I’m fearless in many ways, but on the flip side, I recognize that my fearlessness in some areas of my life is a way to mask my fears in other areas. 

So many thoughts, so much to say….

What do you think?

Do nice guys finish last in your world? If so, why and what are you going to do about it?

I’m going back to the starting line :)

The “NO Log” - NO #1

NO #1 - “No, I don’t want to have sex with you.”

Here’s what I know about NO….

I’ve been inspired to start a “NO Log” because I know that it’s all of the “NO’s” that will take me to my true “YES”.

While these “NO’s” will sting along the way and will most likely frustrate every single cell in my body, I’m choosing to celebrate them and the messengers that deliver them to me. 

Now this might not make any sense at first, or maybe it will never make any sense to you, but that’s ok. 

Here’s a bit more insight…

This log has been inspired by two separate events and a realization I’ve recently had. 

Event #1: I was visiting a guy that I “date” (I actually have no idea how to label whatever it is that we have, so for simplicity sake “date” is the word I’m choosing to use) and I wanted to indulge in a fun night of sexual play.

I was full of energy, yet relaxed, and was totally turned on. I felt the electricity sparking through my body and I was ready to be taken and to take.

It never once crossed my mind that he didn’t feel the same way so when he “rejected” me and declined my sexual offer, my entire body went into shock. Tears started streaming down my face and I was speechless. 

Actually no, I wasn’t speechless. I said “No one was ever rejected me before” and he calmly replied, “I’m not rejecting you. I’m just turning down your offer.”

My blood boiled, my self-confidence plummeted and the crazy thoughts ensued…

“Why isn’t he attracted to me?” 

“What’s wrong with me - Am I too fat? Too loud? Too quiet? Too agressive? Too passive? Too crazy?”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Is this really happening?”

“Does this mean he doesn’t like me?”

“Does this mean he doesn’t like having sex with me?”

I could go on, but I think you get the point…..

After I calmed down, I realized that he wasn’t rejecting me and that in some weird way, him not wanting to have sex wasn’t about me at all. I haven’t quite figured out how I know this to be true, but I know and that’s enough for me right now. 

Of course there are still times when I take this incident personally, but deep down inside I know this isn’t the case. 

Event #2: A woman whom I respect and admire told me that it’s going to take a lot of no’s for me to get what I want.

As I listened to these words slide out of her mouth, I immediately knew them to be true.

That night I was at an event where we shared our desires, thoughts, turn on’s, etc. and I said that it turns me on when a man doesn’t let me get away with my shit. In other words, there’s something about being told no that turns me on.

Now I was definitely NOT turned on when my sexual desires were shut down and I can’t think of a time when it actually felt good when someone told me no. But deep down in the depths of my core, I somehow know that “NO” is exactly what I want to hear. 

All of my life, I’ve been able to turn on the “cute”, the “innocent”, the “sexy”, the “sassy”, the “not so bright”, the “smarty pants”, shift my body from here to there, place my hands and tilt my head just like so, smile and flirt,  to get exactly what I want. 

The result? 

I’m not the best version of me and I’ve left my higher self and true potential at the door. 

I want to be challenged and I want to rise to the challenge. 

I want to be the best version of myself and if that means it’s going to take me not getting what I want, exactly when I want it (if ever!), then I’m prepared to face it head on. 

I might still kick and scream along the way, and yes, there will be blood and sweat, but I know I’ve chosen this path for a reason and I am committing to embracing all parts of it. 

The good. The bad. The ugly. 

The hot. The naughty. The sexy. 

The cute. The bitch. The bore.